1 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:28,800 Rocket? 2 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:29,960 Wake up! 3 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,080 Last day on base! 4 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:36,680 Our last breakfast. 5 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:39,560 I hope it's sausages - no, beans - no, both! 6 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,320 No, souvenirs. 7 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,920 Time to nick anything that isn't nailed down. 8 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,760 Let's raid the cookhouse. 9 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:59,520 What, and proff some ladles? You're not thinking big enough, Rocket. 10 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:01,360 There are some pretty big ladles. 11 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,240 CLANK, CRASH 12 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,520 CLANK 13 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,480 Private MacDowell, what have you got there? 14 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:34,520 Nothing. 15 00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:39,560 A souvenir? 16 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,640 Look, I get it. We all want souvenirs. 17 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,560 I know how it works, I'm one of the guys. 18 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:46,000 Sorry, Ma'am, but... you're not one of the guys. 19 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:47,200 Really? 20 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:52,000 I know I'm "the boss", but it's not like I'm actually bossy. 21 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,200 All right. 22 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,200 Open the bag, Mac. That's an order. 23 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,120 I can't believe you made me do that, over some tiny little... 24 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,720 The X-ray machine!? Bloody hell! 25 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,120 What do you even want that for? 26 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,160 X-ray my balls. What? 27 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,920 I'm going to open up my own ball X-raying business. 28 00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:15,440 "Ballbags - no ball too small". 29 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:18,960 Nobody wants their balls X-rayed. I beg to differ. 30 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:22,520 Couldn't find any giant ladles, but I've got beans! 31 00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:25,240 Is that the X-ray machine? 32 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:27,400 Brilliant! Can you X-ray my balls? 33 00:02:56,520 --> 00:03:00,040 MUSIC: Sunny Afternoon by The Kinks 34 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,120 So, Medal - what medal do you think you'll get 35 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,880 for your heroic night-time stabbing frenzy? 36 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:15,960 A Military Cross? QGM? 37 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,320 I didn't do anything that any other well-trained, 38 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,760 professional soldier wouldn't have done. 39 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,640 Oh, here you are. 40 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:23,880 Message from the boss - 41 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,320 meeting at 10.00 and then a Survival Skills Refresher. 42 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:29,040 Training? For fuck's sake! But we're sunbathing! Quite right. 43 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,520 I can see you're all rushed off your feet as it is. 44 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:34,520 Oh, and Medal - Colonel wants to see you. 45 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:35,760 Roger that. 46 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:39,520 Pull up a pew. 47 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:43,000 You're all right. I don't need to sunbathe - I'm hitched, remember? Job done. 48 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:46,800 What - and Mrs Towerblock loves the, er... what is that skin tone called? 49 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,920 "Blind cave worm"? 50 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:52,840 Mmm - sexy! We work in EOD. You know what that stands for? 51 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:54,760 ALL: Every One's Divorced. 52 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,240 Nah, me and the missus have got rules, to keep solid. 53 00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:58,760 I call her and the nipper every week 54 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:02,640 and she doesn't wear her leather skirt down the pub. Sorted. 55 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:04,720 So, what's everyone doing when they get home? 56 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,920 Your mum. Fuck off! 57 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:08,080 What about you, Bird? 58 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,720 Head back to Didcot, catch up with some of the guys... 59 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,440 shag some of the guys, 60 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,320 read A Storm Of Swords in peace. 61 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,320 Your folks not meeting you off the plane? 62 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:18,880 Haven't even told them when I'm back. 63 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:20,280 Bird, that is fucked up. 64 00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:21,840 I'll be too busy, 65 00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,760 what with the Storm Of Swords - 66 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:24,960 and my reading. 67 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,440 Wahey! 68 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,520 Anyway, my sister's the favourite - 69 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:32,160 lawyer, lives in Richmond, kids. Urgh. 70 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,360 Phone them. Seriously. 71 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,800 Haven't got any minutes left. Used them all for admin - 72 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,680 well, shag-min. 73 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:40,280 There's 40 minutes on there. 74 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:45,200 Fine. I'll call them, just to prove how little of a shit they give. 75 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,840 A microscopic micro-turd - that's how little. 76 00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:50,560 Ooh - it's done! 77 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:56,600 KNOCKS AT DOOR 78 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:58,880 Corporal, come in. 79 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,160 It's about the medal recommendation. 80 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,640 There was talk of a QGM, but I mean, what is gallantry? 81 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:08,520 One man's gallantry is another man's raw instinct. 82 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,840 Just protecting the team - didn't do it for the medal. 83 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,720 A very healthy attitude, especially as you're not going to get one. 84 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,680 Fucking hell...sir... Sorry, sir. 85 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:19,360 They felt you didn't do anything that any other 86 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:22,640 well-trained professional soldier wouldn't have done. 87 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:23,800 Oh... 88 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,440 Sorry about that. 89 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,760 Bit of a boot in the nuts, but just one of those things. 90 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,120 Is it, sir? 91 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:31,520 Is it? 92 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:36,560 It is. It is, it's, er... It is, sir. 93 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:38,160 You're a good soldier, Lansley - 94 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,840 and I'm sure your team are very grateful. That's what matters. 95 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,960 I think if you... Carry on! Right... 96 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,320 Having some work done on it, sir? Mmm. 97 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,600 Keep an eye on Simon, would you? 98 00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,440 Had a bit of a knock-back, so make sure the team show him the love. 99 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,600 Though not in a Thursday night way. 100 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,280 Sir. 101 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,800 Caught Mac proffing the X-ray machine this morning. 102 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,440 For his balls, I presume? 103 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:10,040 ..Yes. 104 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:11,400 I hate having to be the villain. 105 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,880 I was just starting to feel they'd accepted me. 106 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,520 Got to have a proper villain. What's the first rule? 107 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,280 BOTH: Have a proper villain. Good. 108 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:23,520 They can't go round nicking stuff, so... 109 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,680 If I were you, I'd focus on getting everyone on the plane in one piece. 110 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:27,840 Carry on. 111 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:32,160 Ah, Boss. Um... 112 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:34,600 About this training... 113 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,200 Survival Skills? Essential. 114 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,680 It's the last day. Um, with respect... 115 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:41,240 no-one's really up for it. 116 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:43,960 Bird, we're in a hazardous environment. We need to stay sharp. 117 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,040 I think the guys do know that. 118 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:49,920 Oh, that's not my reading of the guys, but you're the boss. 119 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,600 See you at the training. I'm really looking forward to it, now. 120 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:53,720 Are you? 121 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:57,680 No, right... 122 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,480 Can't believe she took back the X-ray machine. 123 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:05,680 I know. 124 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:08,200 I was hoping for radioactive balls. 125 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,200 Wait! Stop it, I'm having that... I wanted that flag... 126 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,280 Fucking stop pulling it, you bell ends! 127 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:17,240 What's going on here? Towerblock, Get down off that table! 128 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,760 What do you even want it for? 129 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,640 I want to cut out the red bits. 130 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,800 But now, we'll have to go and give it back to the CQ - 131 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:24,920 because apparently, souvenirs are banned. 132 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:26,160 No... 133 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,760 I was going to say, why don't we have 134 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:32,400 a fun little competition, to see who gets the flag? Yeah? 135 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,760 Can't I just take it? Really, Boss? Oh, Bird, we're... 136 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,520 Can't fucking believe it. 137 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,560 My parents are going to meet me at Brize. 138 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,720 They were meant to be having dinner with my sister, 139 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:44,240 but they moved it to the next day - they can't wait to see me. There you go... 140 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,640 We had this massive heart-to-heart and... 141 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:51,480 Ngh, oh... They love me, Towerblock. They fucking love me. 142 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:54,360 Of course they do. I only joined the Army to piss them off. 143 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:57,520 My whole life has been a lie. I'm such a fucking idiot! 144 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:58,880 You're not a fucking idiot. 145 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,960 You've only got two minutes of phone time left. 146 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,120 You fucking idiot! I've got to call my missus! 147 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,840 Ooh! Can I have the flag as a souvenir? Well, actually, we're... 148 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,880 We've got to have some gay competition for it. 149 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:09,240 You want flag? 150 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,360 I can get British flags for all of you - 151 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,480 and American ones, which my supplier has pre-soaked in petrol. 152 00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:19,200 I want this one. I have other souvenirs, including ... 153 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:23,240 Faruq Sings The Hits That Rod Stewart Also Sang, But Before. 154 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:24,360 Right ... 155 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:28,120 Help me out here - I have a thousand copies. 156 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:29,760 Oh, well - I'm sure we'll all... 157 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,880 ..bear that in mind. 158 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,400 So, the most awesome souvenir wins the flag. 159 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,880 We've all got stuff, right? ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER 160 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,320 OK, back here in ten. 161 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,360 Boss, what about the training? 162 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:42,840 Training? 163 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,680 Bore off, dulloid! It's the last day. 164 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,120 Let's have some fun! 165 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,000 Hey, guys! Count me in for fun! 166 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,880 I thought we were doing Survival Skills? 167 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,560 Some of us already have those. 168 00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:54,760 A couple of hexi blocks, sharp knife... 169 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,600 I could live in the wild, pretty much indefinitely. 170 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:01,200 You all right, Medal? Errgh! Not "Medal" any more. 171 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,080 Oh, no, really? Eh? I don't get it! Shit, really? You didn't get one? 172 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,520 Nope. I just heard from the Colonel. But who cares? 173 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:09,000 We don't do this for medals, do we? 174 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,720 You do. Mac, he does not. 175 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:13,880 Simon, I'm so sorry... 176 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,440 So, we can't call you "Medal" now? 177 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,440 Can we call you "Mentioned in Dispatches"? 178 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,400 Errgh! Didn't even get that. 179 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:21,960 Can we call you "No Medal"? 180 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,680 You can call me whatever the fuck you like. 181 00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,880 We do that, anyway. 182 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,520 Well, Simon - as a fun team thing, 183 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,720 we were having a competition for the best souvenir. 184 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:36,360 Why would I want to remember any of this? 185 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:42,000 Simon? 186 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:46,040 Simon, look - 187 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,440 I know you wanted something to happen between us and... 188 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,320 No, it's not that. 189 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,640 It's all in the past. 190 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,880 Well, obviously the medal was a real blow... 191 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,120 That's fine. It's fine, it's fine. 192 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:01,360 You know? I mean, it's not like it's even fair, 193 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,000 because you know who got one? 194 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,840 Captain Parfitt - Military Cross. 195 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,720 Parfo? 196 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:10,160 Bloody hell! Yeah! 197 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,600 The big cheese who's married to Charlotte, my ex, who... 198 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:14,880 Sorry, do you know him? 199 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,520 Er... we dated. 200 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,640 For a few months. It was never going to last. 201 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,880 Yeah - cos he's an A-grade arsehole, right? 202 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,760 One of those wanker officers who just... 203 00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:27,840 No, no, no, Parfo's lovely. 204 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:31,800 I left him, because I thought he was too good for me. 205 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,240 He's brave, kind... 206 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:38,360 Well, today just gets better and better. 207 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,600 Maybe my luck will change and I'll get run over by a mastiff! 208 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,440 SIMON SCREAMS 209 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:58,600 OK, guys, this is a postcard painted for me by my last interpreter. 210 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:00,840 Oh, this is a doll I found... 211 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,640 Holy shit! 212 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:04,920 Towerblock, that's a mortar tube! 213 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,920 Well, it's something for the kids to play with. 214 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,520 It's not safe! 215 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:11,080 Bird, that's a mine I have never even seen before. 216 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:12,720 It's a collector's item - 217 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,440 just whack a "Free From Explosive" certificate on it. 218 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,880 You can do that. Yeah, I could do that - 219 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,280 if it was actually free from explosives. 220 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,240 Mac, that needs a wash... that's rusty and lethal.... 221 00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,560 that has its own clause in the Geneva Convention. 222 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,440 No, I'm sorry... Fine! 223 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,760 Some fucking competition this was. 224 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,640 Guys, you can't take these home. 225 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:38,160 This is a souvenir. These are war trophies. 226 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,440 Leave them here. Sorry. 227 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,720 Rocket, the water bottle's fine. 228 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,440 Yes! So this whole thing was a sting? 229 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,400 That is a very Rupert move. 230 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:49,800 That is not fair. 231 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:53,080 I didn't expect you to bring me a bunch of rusty death traps. 232 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,240 What were you expecting? We're soldiers. 233 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,440 "One of the guys", my arse. 234 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,440 Do you know where I could get this filled with nerve gas? No. 235 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,680 Oh, two minutes will be enough. 236 00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:11,120 Cos you're solid, right? 237 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,200 Sat phone kicking about? In there. 238 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,560 Towerblock, don't give me the silent treatment. 239 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,360 All right. 240 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:20,560 Fuck off, Bird. 241 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,080 Hello? Is that Hibiscus? 242 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,840 I'm sure you're packed to the rafters, 243 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:30,000 but is there any chance of a table on Saturday evening... 244 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,000 Oh, are you? 245 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,680 I'm sorry about the line, 246 00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:37,560 but I'm serving with Her Majesty's Armed Forces in Afghanistan. 247 00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:38,960 BANG BANG 248 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,720 No, no, nothing we can't handle. 249 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:41,960 BANG 250 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:48,120 FARUQ SCREAMS THREATS 251 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,840 A table's just opened up? 252 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,760 Eight o'clock will be perfect. 253 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:56,920 Lieutenant Colonel Smith. 254 00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:58,120 See you, then. 255 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:04,480 Cheers, Sir. 256 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,640 Carry on. You like Rod Stewart? Love him. 257 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,080 KEYS IN NUMBER 258 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,560 All right, love? 259 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,600 Yeah, I'm just ringing to... 260 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,040 Oh, is she? 261 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,920 Aw, bless! 262 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,400 No, don't put her on, I've only got a couple of minutes. 263 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,800 So, I get back on... 264 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:29,120 What? No, well, I had to give some minutes to Bird and she... 265 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:32,520 No. 266 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,040 No, she's not. 267 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,240 No, of course you're more important than she is. 268 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,280 Get off! 269 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,120 What? No, she's... No, she's not here... 270 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,640 BIRD SNIFFS 271 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,800 Shagging her? 272 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,840 She's not even fit! 273 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,080 Ow! 274 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,720 No, I'll... I'll explain when you pick me up. 275 00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:58,240 What?! 276 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,640 Now, listen, no, you listen - 277 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,400 I paid for that fucking Mini, so you'd better... 278 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,560 Great. 279 00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,120 She thinks we're shagging. 280 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,600 Why would she think that? 281 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,920 Nice bit of kit that, sir. 282 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,280 I imagine you'll be sorry to see that go. Mmm. 283 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:24,560 I'd imagine I would. 284 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:29,840 All right, mate? 285 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,760 Soz about the medal. It's fine. What's this? 286 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:39,840 "My childhood was a series..." Not for publication! 287 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:42,000 You having another go at a memoir? No. 288 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:45,200 A Foot In Death's Door II - Two Feet In Death's Door! 289 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,200 Actually, Bird - I've been trying to work out 290 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,320 where I've been going wrong all these years. 291 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:54,400 Uh, it's basically stuff like this, mate - 292 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,560 overthinking everything! 293 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,360 You need to get home and take... 294 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,320 There's nothing for me in Braintree. 295 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:01,960 Yeah, I can believe that. 296 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,840 Just get out of yourself, for a bit. 297 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:07,600 A serious bout of heavy drinking - some extreme sports, perhaps? 298 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,760 Probably not in that order. 299 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,080 And see your parents. They love you. 300 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:13,320 Meh... 301 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:19,560 When Charlotte left me, I just think they were so disappointed... 302 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:24,240 They love us...more than we know... 303 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:27,080 Mm. I'm fine, fine... 304 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:32,000 Anyway - I just think that... There's a shout on. 305 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,760 Reaper drone's come down, and we get to blow it up. Mint! 306 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,440 But we're all packed up. Heli's picking us up four hours. 307 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,440 Oh, right! Forget it then - just stay here, have a brew. 308 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:45,480 Oh, cheer up, Numpty! Take it out on the Taliban. 309 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:49,040 Why? They're the only ones I have no personal quarrel with! 310 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,920 Mac, stop that! 311 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:15,440 Perfect souvenir! 312 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,680 No, no, it's not - it's a war trophy. 313 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,960 It's not like you found a piece lying on the ground. 314 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:23,040 Ooh! Let's not blow it up! 315 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,720 If we can all take a bit home, 316 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,640 we can put it back together and fly it about! 317 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:31,000 Rocket, the enemy really want this, so we have to deny it, ASAP. 318 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,160 I'm putting a three minute fuse on these charges, 319 00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:36,200 by which time, we need to be 500 metres away, OK? 320 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:39,320 Now, give me 100 metres, while I light them. 321 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:40,520 Go! 322 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:07,480 Oh, shit. 323 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,000 Go, go! 324 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,800 GUNFIRE 325 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:22,400 Fucking ambush! 326 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:28,360 Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42. Contact. 327 00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:31,200 Enemies times five. We are engaging. Wait out. 328 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,520 This is not a safe distance... Shit! 90 seconds! 329 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:43,920 Boss, we're pinned down. 330 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,880 I'm going to leg it over there, draw their fire. Simon, that's insane! 331 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,600 Their AKs aren't that accurate. I'll hide behind the berm. 332 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,920 You guys flank them, before the charges function. 333 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,680 It's too risky! 334 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,640 Well, at least if I die, I might get a fucking medal! 335 00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:06,520 MAC LAUGHS Holy shit! 336 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,960 Yoo-hoo, jizzbags! 337 00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:13,720 On me! 338 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,600 Everybody down! 339 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,640 BOOM 340 00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:50,680 Look what I found! 341 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,200 Just lying on the ground. 342 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,040 Gleaming! 343 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,560 Simon, are we clear? 344 00:18:58,560 --> 00:18:59,880 'Clear!' 345 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:11,600 That's it, then. 346 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:17,440 Can we go home now? 347 00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:35,960 Good work, chaps. 348 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,720 Welcome back, Bluestone 42. 349 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,040 I hear Corporal Lansley was the hero of the hour. 350 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,760 We wouldn't have got back without him. 351 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,880 Me and Rocket's going to make him a medal. The MRGM - 352 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:51,000 the Mac and Rocket Gallantry Medal. 353 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,280 Prestigious(!) 354 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:53,880 While I write him up for a real one. 355 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,720 Oh, and you've missed your transport, 356 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,040 but there's going to be another heli at 19.00 hours. 357 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,200 It'll mean getting home a day later, I'm afraid. 358 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,640 Fucking RAF! 359 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,560 You've all got an extra five minutes on your phone cards to call home. 360 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,800 Carry on. Five minutes to save his marriage! 361 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,440 Unbelievable! 362 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,400 Love, listen - please, just let me explain. 363 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,880 Hi, Mrs Towerblock... 364 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,520 Give it here! Give it here! Corporal Bird here. Lynda, yeah. 365 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,760 Just want you to know, I'm not shagging your husband. 366 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,280 Yeah. 367 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,560 I bet he does. 368 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,200 Is it? Really? BIRD LAUGHS 369 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,440 No! 370 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:42,360 MAC HUMS 371 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,000 Oh! Here he is. 372 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,680 MAC FANFARES 373 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:52,960 APPLAUSE 374 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,200 OK, then. Let's have it. 375 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:59,120 We are giving you...a medal. You know, for your bravery? 376 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:02,320 It is the highest medal that can be conferred on an Englishman. 377 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,600 The MRGM. 378 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,200 What does that stand for? Medal for Really... 379 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,360 ..Gay Mingers? 380 00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:12,520 Eh? 381 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,240 Fuck you, guys. 382 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,800 I saved your lives today and all you do is take the piss. 383 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:19,800 Simon, they've stopped taking the piss. They're showing you respect. 384 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:21,400 It's made of chocolate. 385 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,640 Funny, guys(!) 386 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:25,720 Really funny(!) 387 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,160 We were being nice! 388 00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:31,000 Simon! Boss, just give him a minute. 389 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,080 OK. I'll sit next to him on the plane, have a heart-to-heart. 390 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:36,520 Right. OK, one more thing ... 391 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,160 Whoa, whoa, whoa... 392 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,120 No, no, no, like it or not... 393 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,600 ..I got the best souvenir. 394 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,640 Mac, there was no competition, it was just... 395 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,800 MAC FANFARES 396 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:47,880 Nice! 397 00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,480 You said it would be OK, if I just found it lying on the ground. 398 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,600 Yes, I did. But it's not as good as... 399 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:57,840 ..this. The seeker head from the Hellfire missile. 400 00:21:57,840 --> 00:21:59,920 This is a thing of beauty... Wow, fuck me! 401 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:03,000 I think I win. In fact, I'm in charge, so I say I win. 402 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,920 Fair enough. 403 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,720 You're abusing your position for personal gain. 404 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:10,320 You are one of the guys. 405 00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:14,560 What, really? 406 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:16,400 I admire your balls. 407 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,200 If you ever need them X-rayed, 408 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:19,520 stop off at Ballbags. 409 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:22,160 Well... 410 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:25,640 because I'm part of such a great team, I don't need this... 411 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:30,440 ..because I've the memory of working with all of you. 412 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,360 So, Mac - I want you to have it. 413 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:35,960 Nah, lost my respect again. Oh! 414 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,960 If you're just going to hand it over, then I'm fucking having it. 415 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,320 ALL SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER 416 00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:44,040 I believe I win this. 417 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:46,640 Eh? 418 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:50,640 Well, if you look over there, those boxes contain my Land Rover, 419 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,560 labelled and ready to be shipped to my home address. 420 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,280 Best souvenir, I think. 421 00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:57,360 You proffed an actual Land Rover? 422 00:22:57,360 --> 00:22:58,880 That's completely ... 423 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:01,240 A Land Rover? Did I say that? Oh, no. 424 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,400 Those are boxes of audio cassettes. 425 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,520 CASSETTES RATTLE 426 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:12,080 My only crime is loving Rod Stewart. 427 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:15,000 428 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,640 429 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:20,000 430 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,360 431 00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:24,280 432 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:25,400 Your loss. 433 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:29,680 Bird? 434 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,160 So, is my missus taking me home 435 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:34,920 in that mini that I'm paying for, or what? 436 00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:36,360 Yes, she is... Oh, thank God! 437 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:38,680 ..straight after she's dropped me off in Portsmouth. 438 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:39,920 You what? 439 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:43,040 Yeah, my parents aren't picking me up again, cos of the flight change. 440 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:46,520 Apparently they don't want to mess my sister around. Arseholes! 441 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,960 That's got to be like a four hour round trip - 442 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,520 and then another four to Leeds! 443 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,480 What can I say? Me and your missus really hit it off. 444 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,360 She's like the sister I never had. 445 00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:58,840 You've got a sister! 446 00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:01,080 ..Who's dead to me - as are my parents. 447 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:04,040 See you in the car. 448 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:05,360 Oh, shotgun! 449 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,520 Oh, when I get home, I'm going on a Greggs-crawl. 450 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:11,720 Lucky you. 451 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,040 I'm off on a motoring tour of the South of England. 452 00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:16,720 Where is Simon? 453 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:19,360 Oh, good point. Where is Simon? Anyone seen him? 454 00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:21,440 He owes me $200 for certain items. 455 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:24,400 He swore me to secrecy. 456 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,840 Hexamine, sharp knife, stove... 457 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:28,640 Is he planning a camping trip? 458 00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:32,160 Oh, shit! 459 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:34,120 Fucking hell! Shit... 460 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:47,360 "The mountains will appreciate me?" 461 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,800 We think he's gone AWOL, sir. 462 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:52,360 Yes, I can fucking see that! 463 00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:54,880 What happened to getting them all on the plane in one piece? 464 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,000 Yes, sir... Now I have to stay here and find him - 465 00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:59,120 search parties, Special Forces! 466 00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:01,920 I was meant to be taking my wife to Hibiscus! 467 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,000 Fucking hell! 468 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,120 CRASH 469 00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:07,600 Op round-up, now - 470 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,360 I want the base searched and an ops meeting at 19.00 hours. 471 00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:13,200 Sir, we would like to stay and help look for him. Right, Rocket? 472 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,920 Aye. We need to find him. We'll all stay. 473 00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:17,240 No, no, no. 474 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:20,000 The last thing I need is "help" from Bluestone 42. 475 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,480 I'll find him, don't you worry about that. 476 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,240 You scamps get on your heli. 477 00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:28,320 OK. Well, sir... 478 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:31,200 Off we fuck. No, not "off we fuck"! 479 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:32,280 Fuck off! 480 00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:34,600 Fuck off onto the heli, then fuck off onto the plane, 481 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,840 then carry on fucking off out of Afghanistan. 482 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:38,120 Go on, fuck off! 483 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,320 He can't have gone far. Aye. 484 00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:48,640 He's only got wee legs. 485 00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:51,240 The Colonel will find him. 486 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,280 ..And cut his balls off. 487 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:55,080 Or some locals will find him. 488 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:56,920 ..And cut his balls off. 489 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:58,480 Mac, not helping. 490 00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,560 I'm kidding! 491 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:02,880 He'll probably be eaten by wolves first. 492 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:09,720 I think a nice cup of tea, don't you? 493 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,000 Yes, Lieutenant Lansley. 494 00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:22,000 OK, Captain Best... 495 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:24,480 ..Ellen. 496 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,200 We'll just wait for that to boil. 497 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:32,080 ENGINE REVS 498 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,240 It's all right, Captain. 499 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:42,600 We're quite safe here. 500 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,280 HELICOPTER BLADES 501 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:54,840 MUSIC: Sailing by Rod Stewart 502 00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,560 503 00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:05,800 504 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:09,480 505 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:13,040 506 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:20,680 507 00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:24,560 508 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:26,680 509 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:32,000 510 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:35,880 511 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:39,720 512 00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:43,320 513 00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:51,160 514 00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:54,200 515 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,800 516 00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:02,520 517 00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:06,120 518 00:28:06,120 --> 00:28:10,000 519 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:13,600 520 00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:20,880 521 00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:24,120